Very Interesting Things about Me

There are 3 very interesting things about me that some know about and some don’t. First and for most is that I am actually a woman, even though all of my legal documents say I am a man. The second thing is that I have had cancer 5 times and beat it; although it was one of the most trying times in my life. The third thing is that I am a drag queen and it has been very therapeutic for me. These 3 things have made me grow up very fast in the last 8 years and remind me every day to live life to its fullest.

For as long as I can remember I have not felt right. I have mentally known that my mind is different from my body. I have always been inclined to do the typical thing that girls would do, such as play with dolls, cooking, doing makeup and I am very fashion forward. Now many would say that these are clichéd and stereotypical but they are just examples of what I do. Later in life I concluded that I was actually a woman, but not before I attempted suicide. Mentally I could not understand what I was feeling and why it did not match what was on the outs side. I started to wear women’s clothes and putting on make up to feel better about myself but it did not help until I stated that process to transition when I turned 29 years old. Undergoing many psychological evaluations and counseling to make sure that I was mentally able to handle transitioning. With all of the test done by the psychologists and doctors. We sat down and discussed that I my diagnoses is gender identity disorder and body and gender dysphoria. You have to understand that until this year being transgender and being diagnosed with body and gender dysphoria or gender identity disorder was a mental illness. It was difficult to go through but when my doctor said that I was ready to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT) I was so excited and when my doctor put me on an estrogen patch I was feeling great. I was finally on my way! When I went in for my 3-month checkup my dreams of become the woman on the outside that I am on the inside would be taken away from me.

That day was one of the worst days of my life. I did my blood work that morning and then went to my appointment that afternoon. My doctors nurse came and took of the estrogen patch. She said, “you will not be needing this anymore.” I asked, “Why not?” She said, “the doctor will be in soon to speak with you.” And she left the room. I set in the room for what seemed like hours. By the time the doctor came in I was in such a panic I was froze. I could not move or speak and I did not even understand the doctor. He then took my hand and started to breathe slowly. I in turn followed suit and did the same. Once I was don he said,” that he had some bad news for men.” The estrogen patch had caused me to develop cancer cells, thus my results were that I had cancer for the first time. That would not be the last time I would hear those devastating words I would hear them 4 more times of the next 5 years. After the chemo and localized radiation injections I thought all of this was over, but no at last those words came up a 5th time. At this point in my life I was so sick and could not work. I just wanted to give up this would be the second time that I would attempt suicide. I felt like I could not go on and that everyone would be better off without me.

After my 2nd cancer diagnoses I knew at this point I had to find an outlet to get all of this mental frustration out. I then turned back to something that I had started doing many years before that. Drag was fun and allowed me to have a creative and emotional outlet. I had gone to a bar in Topeka named Skivvies. I decided that I would perform in their open mic night. I was not the most polished performer out there but I did it anyways. I performed the song Black Velvet, Hero and You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me. It was truly rewording and met the man who would become not only my drag father but also my rock that would help me get though cancer. My drag career has not been lucrative but it has given me the ability to give back to many charities, such as the American Cancer Society, PFLAG Hutchinson and many more.

In conclusion these three thing have changed my live life in so many ways and continue to do so to this day. I do perform regularly at many local bars and at local events. I have also been invited to come and perform in other states. I am still waiting to fully transition because I have been five years’ cancer free before I can start HRT again. In August of this year I did all the tests again and now I am four years’ cancer free. One more year to go before I can start the process to becoming the real woman I am.